True Detective Season 2 EP 3: True D Maybe Tomorrow

“Maybe Tomorrow” we’ll stop writing about True D and start looking for a real job. “Maybe Tomorrow” we’ll send Nic Pizzolatto anthrax-laced fanfiction where Colin Farrell just stayed dead. Or, “Maybe Tomorrow” we’ll be able to push the irritating bits of this ep out of our memories in order to reflect upon it a little more fondly.

Because we sacrificed an undisclosed (but, we assure you, totally adorable) living creature to Satan after snoozing through “Night Finds You” last week, things are starting to pick up in the True D-universe in typical Pizzolatto fashion – incredibly slowly, and not so very surely. Had we gone all-out and nixed a human, this week would have probably been a lot more fun. Well, you know what they say – y’live, y’learn!

On a “completely unrelated” note, we’d like to invite anyone who’s been really digging this season’s theme song to get in touch with us before Episode 4 airs. Maybe we could, like, hang out and have a bonfire or something. Bonus points if you bring your dogeared copy of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance or that primo whiskey you’ve been going on about.

Until then, let us dive into this (thus far) shallow pool of Ds, shall we?

Weekly Competitors

Colin Farrell (aka Det. Ray Velcoro)

("It’s moments like these I live for.")

("It’s moments like these I live for.")

Velcoro gets shot, pisses himself, passes out, wakes up, exclaims “I pissed myself!” and likely passes out again for a quick sec before seeking help. What a silly lil’ puppy! He does get points for scoring weed for his dad and passing up a drink for the first time in his entire life, but, obviously, his D needs another week to recover from last ep’s intensely non-sexual blow.  

Vince Vaughn (aka Frank Semyon)

(“Shhh… I’m pretending this ice cream is my D.”)

(“Shhh… I’m pretending this ice cream is my D.”)

Frank Semyon -- rich guy, former wiener, unable to jerk off in a sterile doctor’s office because his D belongs to the streets of Los Angeles. Seedy underbellies of all cities beware -- this dude wants to smack his D all over you, even if ripping out a pimp’s custom grills with a wrench is a prerequisite. 

Taylor Kitsch (aka Officer Paul Woodrugh)

(“Mom, put down that fried chicken. I gotta tell you something…”)

(“Mom, put down that fried chicken. I gotta tell you something…”)

Is now officially a closeted gay man who should just give into his D’s TRUE CALLING. It’s the only way T-Kitsch is ever gonna take home this crown. 

Rachel McAdams (aka Det. Ani Bezzerides)

(“K I’m bored can u go now? Thx”)

(“K I’m bored can u go now? Thx”)

Gracefully puts up with more shit for smoking an E-Cigarette in public and threatened to kick that lamewad/presumably bad lay Steve’s teeth out if he continues to run his big, rude mouth. Not much growth in the D department this ep, but definitely staying strong. 

Honorable Mentions:

Veronica Chassani (aka Drunk Mayor’s Wife)

She might look a hot mess, but she didn’t have a party last night. Or the night before. Or the night before that. Her whole life is a party, and she’ll smoke a bag bong in front of the police if she wants to. Preferably while spacing out at a life-sized, lingerie-clad cardboard cutout of herself. MUCHO D.


Vince Vaughn, because he totally bossed up this week.