Hey gang – how mind-numbingly dull was the majority of this week’s episode? We sad sacks here at the Brunch Club understand and acknowledge the D-minus nature of this last ep and want you all to remember that we’re in this thing together. Our fervent consumption of True D2: Mighty Dsis not for mere entertainment’s sake – no, our commitment to this slower-than-molasses-in-a-K-hole series has a purpose much greater than that. We will prevail in our quest to discover the truest, holiest of Ds, but we can’t do it without you. Stay tuned, keep us in our prayers and RT ’n’ fave every single thing we tweet out whether you find it mildly amusing or not – that’s not too much to ask, right?
Before we take a look at this week’s stats, we’d like to give a special shout-out to last ep’s Supreme D, Lifeless Corpse(aka Ben Casper), who won the week but ended up WITH NO D AT ALL. Let that be a warning to the rest of our contestants.
Colin Farrell (aka Det. Ray Velcoro)
The power of Cage did not compel Colin this week, which was incredibly D-ssapointing. He admitted to being threatened by E-Cigs due to their uncanny resemblance to robot dicks (WEAK D ADMISSION) and then got shot by someone in a lil birdy mask (WEAK D CAUSE OF DEATH). Despite this week’s D downsizing, we still sincerely hope he survives for the sake of our having to watch this show every week.
Vince Vaughan (aka Frank Semyon)
Semyon used to go to da club and hit up the VIP section on the regular, but now he’s so over it. This is concrete proof of his D growing at a slow, steady pace. Could he be that folkloric turtle everyone’s always yammering on about?
Taylor Kitsch (aka Officer Paul Woodrugh)
Kitsch talks a big game about wanting to punch out this “fag” at the bank for possibly hitting on him, shortly after peeling off the skin of a fried chicken drumstick for his creepy-ass mom sans-complaint. YOUR PRIORITIES ARE ALL WRONG, TATER FACE! Thus far, he shows signs of possibly having the weakest D in all of history, both on TV and IRL.
Rachel McAdams (aka Det. Ani Bezzerides)
The only person on the face of the earth who has ever been sincerelycomplimented on their E-Cig smoking style. We have yet to discover whether or not her D is the Truest, but it’s definitely bigger than yours.
Emily (aka Woodrugh’s Reluctant Girlfriend)
Fulfilled our wildest of dreams by telling Kitsch to fuck off. Major D points for that.
Nameless Club Pimp (aka Our New Fashion Icon)
Revealed golden grills that literally said “FUCK YOU”. That’s next-level boss shit.
It’s a tie between Rachel McAdams and Stephen Dorff, the latter of whom has been freed from the burden oftenderly placing a robot dick approximate between his lips for cold, hard cash.
See you next week when we measure the Trueness of D in True Detective season 2 ep. 3: "Maybe Tomorrow".