TRUE D SEASON 2 EP 4: WHAT THE D IS HAPPENING?

WHAT THIS SHOW IS DOING TO ME!

WHAT THIS SHOW IS DOING TO ME!

We are now four weeks deep in the D and have completely forgotten what mystery these dinguses were trying to solve in the first place. Luckily, “Down Will Come” was prefaced by a “Previously On…” segment and we were like, “Oh yeah! That old perv got iced. How close are they to figuring this out, exactly?” The answer: not very. Or maybe they are. Who knows! Do you? We don’t! Wow, great convo you guys. We should do this again sometime.

When it comes to True D, only one thing is certain – anything could happen! Okay, for real, we’re done now. But seriously, that moody singer-songwriter who (we can only assume) lives in Velcoro and Semyon’s secret meet-up watering hole has G2G ASAP K THX.

Now, down 2 the Ds.  

Weekly Competitors 

Colin Farrell (aka Det. Ray Velcoro)

“Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about my giant aura before.”

“Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about my giant aura before.”

As firm believers in pseudo-science, we have no choice but to believe that Velcoro has a massive “aura” -- Bezzerides’ cult leader dad said so. So, either we hand over the True D crown right now, or we wait to find out if Big Daddy was just trying to flirt with/recruit/groom him. We’re gonna wait it out – you know, just in case. Hippies be freaks like that.  

Vince Vaughn (aka Frank Semyon)

“You don’t understand. It’s really hard being this perfect.”

“You don’t understand. It’s really hard being this perfect.”

Semyon’s intimidation tactics stayed strong this week, but he certainly didn’t show much D growth. Plus, he’s racist and won’t even consider the possibility of his sperm being second-rate.

Taylor Kitsch (aka Officer Paul Woodrugh)

“I’m getting married because I LOVE CHICKS. Is that OKAY with you MOM?!”

“I’m getting married because I LOVE CHICKS. Is that OKAY with you MOM?!”

Kitsch’s D game peaked somewhere between the end of last episode and the beginning of this one – he totally banged a dude. Given his partner’s chipper demeanor the morning after, it seemed like the whole sesh wasn’t half bad. It didn’t even require any Viagra pre-gaming!

We were so proud… you know, until he totally regressed by desperately proposing to his quasi-enthusiastic ex as though straight marriage were some kind of cure for gayness. Did you learn nothing from binge-watching TLC’s My Husband’s Not Gay? You’re. Fucking. Killing. Us. Kitsch.

Rachel McAdams (aka Det. Ani Bezzerides) 

"Yeah...I fucked up..."

"Yeah...I fucked up..."

At the end of this ep, Bezzerides lead one of the most misguided police operations in the history of television/real life (we have no proof to back up the second part of that statement). Spearheading this bloodbath was a classic big balls/weak D move, traditionally reserved for bros who’ve done one too many keg stands and try to “intimidate” their dealer into giving them a free and/or extra hit of MDMA. Plans like these always end in tears. And possible legal ramifications.  

Honorable Mentions:

Jordan Semyon (aka Frank’s Wife) Has managed to keep her chill this entire time, which is pretty impressive.

Steve (aka Clingy Cop Who Got Sexed By And Subsequently Filed A Sexual Misconduct Complaint Against Bezzerides) We just had to acknowledge how much we hate Steve.

Winner

Colin Farrell because you should always trust a cult leader.

Poll: If Kitsch doesn’t embrace his D’s True calling by next week’s “Other Lives”, should he be eliminated from the official competition? IT’S ALL UP TO YOU, FOLKS! (vote in the comments).