CANADA. Our home and native land.
This Canada Day marks our 148th anniversary as a nation. Although we're mostly known as a nation that flies under the radar/is completely and utterly forgotten about (especially by those who have lived here their entire lives), you might be surprised to learn that Canada has contributed some truly amazing things to modern civilization.
Velcro. Insulin. Canada Dry. Plexiglas. Alkaline batteries. Egg cartons. Jolly jumpers. That robot arm they shot up into space. And last but not least, Brendan Fraser.
If it weren't for Canada and great Canadians, the world would be deprived of all these things.
We can only assume that without them chaos would reign supreme and we'd be bashing each other's skulls to taste that sweet, sweet skull-goo like the beasts we are.
Since you, dear Canadian, have no doubt heard the same fables and tall tales of Canada's influence on the world at large over and over again, The Brunch Club is taking it upon itself to imbue a new sense of pride for our great, sparsely populated nation.
These are the 5 most influential Canadians that time forgot. Hopefully dusting off their stories will keep you from throwing your passport in the garbage for at least another day.
Lord Clancy Wingdingdong III (1871 - 1971)
Canada's longest serving Governor General (82 years!) hardly spent any time representing the Queen or signing state documents during his historic run. He was too busy attempting to create a drawing-based language (not unlike the hobo-code for all you drifters out there) as he was secretly illiterate up until the last year of his life. When the press got word of his perhaps senile pursuit to replace letters with little doodles, he was forced to resign as Governor General.
His drawing-based language would make a resurgence in the early 1990's when "wingdings" came pre-installed on every word processor, providing a cheap thrill for otherwise bored computer users.
Martha Alice Murdock (1901 - 1936)
When settling Canada, one of the first laws settlers created banned women from eating corn on the cob in public. Cobbing a corn in plain sight was deemed obscene as penises were much more warty back then (i.e. penises were much more corn on the cob-like in the 1600s).
Red River, Manitoba's Martha Alice Murdock changed all that. Her daring acts of civil disobedience, which most notably featured a nation-wide tour of eating corn on the cob in public places, forced Canadian legislators to overturn the repressive law and open the door to future generations of suffragettes.
Terry O'Terry (1891 - 1922)
Sackville, New Brunsick's Terry O'Terry is the godfather of bong technology, pictured above testing his prototype for the still-not-perfected waterless bong.
Though O'Terry's brilliant career was cut short after being sucked into a jet turbine-powered bong he was building, his vision for shooting way too much smoke straight to your dome continues to make people miserable to this day.
The Fossambault-Sur-Le-Lac Femi-Nazis Hockey Team (1939 - 1945)
When you think of Canada, you can't help but think about hockey and all the amazing talent Canada has produced over the years. But move over Wayne Gretzky because there was no opponent fiercer in Canadian hockey history than the Fossambault-Sur-Le-Lac Femi-Nazis.
The Femi-Nazis are credited with revolutionizing hockey by being the first squadron to incorporate bareknuckle boxing into gameplay.
Their penchant for on-ice violence and Blitzkrieg-inspired forecheck formations nearly forced lawmakers to ban the game throughout the nation, but without them, we would not have the bloodsport we know and love today.
Jean-Philippe Bastarache (1660 - 1701)
Have you ever been a bit miffed or felt the need to really punctuate a thought and said, "Câlisse-tabernake!"? If so, you have Jean-Philippe Bastarache to thank for being the first person to ever combine those words.
A recent Brunch Club poll revealed that "Câlisse-tabernake!" is Canada's #1 expletive. Not only do 75% of French Canadians drop the CT-bomb every second câlise-tabernaking word, but 45% of Anglophones are now saying the curse because it is so syllabically pleasing.
That said, Jean-Philippe Bastarache would definitely not be too pleased that we're citing him on the list of the 5 most influential Canadians that time forgot as he would most certainly want to be considered one of most influential Acadians that time forgot.
Oh Canada. You're so goddamn beautiful (in the spring, summer and autumn months). And I know it feels like nobody appreciates you but hang in there, baby. Soon, everyone's going to be knocking on your door get that 20% of the world's fresh water supply you're just sitting on.
You just need a little patience...