TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 2: WHOSE D IS THE TRUEST?

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AN EPISODE BY EPISODE INVESTIGATION

By now, you’ve probably all watched the first episode of True Detective’s sophomore season. You’ve also most likely read more than your fair share of recaps and reviews of the thing, subsequently pushing your own perspective on any friend that will pretend to half-listen.

You know what they say – everyone’s a critic, and we here at the Brunch Club are no exception. As much as we’d like to rattle off a thousand page thesis about why every single episode of the series is either the greatest thing to ever air on television or absolute, unforgivable garbage, we feel discussing the quality of things like cinematography, storytelling and acting to be mostly irrelevant – plus, everyone else writing about that stuff is getting paid and thus have incentive to beat us to press every week without fail. Instead, we’re focusing on a much more pressing issue – and no, we’re not talking about Nic Pizzolatto’s inability to craft a sentence any real human being would ever utter in their lifetime under any circumstances.

By the time True Detective’s season closer rolls around, we Brunch Clubbers aim solely to uncover the answer to one simple question – whose D is truly the Truest? There was a lot of not much in this week’s ep, so we’ll keep this short and sweet.

WEEKLY COMPETITORS 

Colin Farrell
(aka Det. Ray Velcoro)

Initially, Velcoro’s raging ‘stache and alcoholism lead us to believe that he may be overcompensating for something (namely, a weak D), but half way through this ep, we are proven incorrect. After spewing soon-to-be-classic lines such as, “I will butt fuck your father with your mother’s headless corpse” during a beatdown, Velcoro reveals himself as the budget Nic Cage we never knew we needed. Considering Sir Cage is the keeper of the truest of Ds in recent memory, we’ve got a feeling Farrell might take the tiny, tip-fitted crown by season’s end.

"Hush little babies. My D is true" - Colin Farrell

"Hush little babies. My D is true" - Colin Farrell

Vince Vaughan
(aka Frank Semyon)

While constructing a “my foot up your ass” threat, Semyon made a point of referencing the fact he wore a size 13 shoe. That’s a classic weak D move.

Vinnie Vaughn reprises the role of Reese Feldmen on this season of True D.

Vinnie Vaughn reprises the role of Reese Feldmen on this season of True D.

Taylor Kitsch
(aka Officer Paul Woodrugh)

Thus far, we’ve learned that T-Kitsch is a potato-faced disappointment with a D to match. Despite being a root vegetable, he’s managed to snag himself a Viagra prescription. So far, not so true.

Dat armpit hair doe...

Dat armpit hair doe...

Rachel McAdams
(aka Det. Ani Bezzerides)

Bezzerides was being hella judgmental about her sister being a cam girl, which suggests a weak D. But her get-outta-my-house-I’m-done-with-you-boi attitude towards casual sex makes her a strong contender for the Truest D title.

YES!

YES!

HONORABLE MENTIONS

David Morse (aka Rachel McAdams’ Dad) Despite being some sort of cult leader, the dude seems pretty well adjusted. He’s obviously got some weird, weak D issues pertaining to power, but that could easily be some sort of stupid red herring. Haven’t you seen this show before?

Lifeless Corpse (aka Ben Caspere) Caspere’s risqué approach to home décor suggested that his D might have been too True for this world.

WINNER

Lifeless Corpse, who is no longer eligible to compete (not even via flashback) because he’s dead. Starting next week, this is anyone’s game...